Everything I Wanted, Nothing I Expected

Maybe I was just naive, but I was in no way ready for twins as I thought I was.  Many of my friends have had children and from the outside their lives hadn't seemed to change much.  I still saw them often for a many of our usual activities; just sometimes they had a little person with them.  Back then I had no interest in babies so, maybe I was to self-absorbed to notice their tired eyes and blurred speech.  None of my friends had twins, so that might be the difference in what I saw and what I'm experiencing.  Honestly I don't know.  Whatever it was that blinded me to other's baby woes, it made me think that having a child would require only a slight lifestyle adjustment.

Nothing has been easy about having twins.  We waited a long time before even deciding to have children.  Then it took quite some time to actually conceive.  That was my first wake up call.  Based on every movie I'd ever seen, getting pregnant was going to be easy.  I assumed I was so virile that if I simply walked passed a woman while I was supporting an erection she ran the risk of becoming with child.  I was so worried, in my early teens, that I wouldn't go swimming if there was a female in the water, for fear that by dunking my testicles I could achieve long distance conception (I tested each pool by opening my eyes underwater.  If they burned terribly, then there was sufficient chlorine to sterilize my super potent sperm.)  It was not until after we started trying and we were not immediately successful, that I did some research and found that even at the optimal age, there is only a 25% chance of fertilization and then, only 2 days out of each cycle which conception was even possible (thanks nun taught catholic school sex education classes).  Eventually, though, it all worked out...

Having twins didn't change anything in my mind; my girls would have the perfect playmate to keep them occupied.  My wife and I had many discussions concerning our future...she being the ever planner and worrier began her quest to convince me that our lives were going to be very different.  I being the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of guy, answered with a "Whatever...it's going to be easy."  In my mind things were going to be easy.  I had these daydreams of my wife and I playing tennis, the girls sitting comfortably in their Baby Bjorn chairs babbling with delight and watching the yellow ball fly back and forth.  This scenario allowed my whole family to exercise, my wife and I physically and the babes strengthening their necks and perfecting their tracking abilities.  After we would all dine by the water on a blanket in the grass (the girls shaking their turkey drumsticks like a rattle before taking a big bite).  Or another, often imagined situation; I, at my computer, working on an indie film or video game while the twins rest comfortably (again self soothing in the Baby Bjorn chairs), amusing each other with "twin speak"...can you believe it?  Only a few months old and they are already communicating with each other.

I'm not disappointed in my reality, the girls are everything I wanted.  Obviously the twins are not yet self sufficient, nor is there opportunity to spend time on independent works of film and games.  There's no time for anything, really, other than care of the girls.  That's something else that was completely unexpected.  In all my classes, readings and conversations with others concerning newborns, sleep deprivation was always mentioned.  I knew I wouldn't have a lot of sleep, so I was prepared for that.  A topic never breached, however, is the tedium of routine that envelopes your life.  Hours and days blur together in a string of feedings and dirty diapers.  The tedious existence is far more taxing for me than missed sleep.

I'm not sure what else I have romanticized in my imaginings.  I'm a dreamer, so probably a great deal will not match reality.  Whatever the future holds, expected or not, I know that I have everything I have ever wanted in these two little girls.