Let's See if I Can Schedule You In

Before having kids I had no idea why some parents were so adamant about baby naps or their children's bed time.  I would find it outrageous when I'd ask a friend to lunch only to have them say they could only meet me between 1:30 and 2:30 because little Johnny's nap time is at 3:00.  It's lunch, I'd think to myself, you sit around all day watching your baby yawn, with loads of free time while  I'm at work...lunch is at 12:00.  I've never said that, of course, just thought it.  Now I know.  Now my eyes are open.  Without a schedule there is no way to survive twins.

When the girls first came home we were strictly reactionary and I was desperately trying to hold on to my old way of life.  Before the twins, I'd stay up to until 12:00 or 1:00, as was my custom, and wake at 6:00AM, to spend some quality time alone while my wife slept in. The thought of being in bed while the sun was still falling never entered my mind.  If, in the past, by some accidental slip of time I was still in bed when the sun came up, I would have considered the day wasted and not bothered changing out of my pajamas (obviously I'm not referring to a work day).  After living this way, on 5 or 6 hours sleep, for several weeks, my body would eventually give in and I would fall asleep early one evening to rejuvenate...early being, maybe 10 PM.  Even when completely exhausted, it was a fight between body and brain.  On those evenings, I would awake on the couch to the end credits of Aliens or some other film that I've seen a million times, but will still watch all the way through when it comes on TV, and be disappointed that I missed the bulk of the movie.  I would then, begrudgingly, walk up the stairs to the bedroom for a few more hours sleep.

That was life before the ladies.  Like I said, I tried to hold onto it but that only resulted in episodes of sleep deprived, zombie walking and periods of time completely filled with blurred reality and imagined happenings.  One day I looked around the living room, the floor, piled high like a dragon's hoard, covered in vibrating chairs, bouncy chairs, play cribs, floor pads, Baby Einstein tummy time mats, several breast feeding pillows, TV trays, clothing the girls wouldn't fit into for months, gift bags, stuffed animals, unbreakable mirrors, baby carriers, car seats, burp cloths, soothers, change pads, extra diapers, swaddle blankets, warming blankets...every where I looked something had been stuffed.  We had turned into one of those families you you see on TV, the ones you see on the house cleaning reality shows on the Women's Network or Home and Garden Channel.  Our home was direction reflection of our lives.  My wife and I are organized people, we plan things, we study and prepare.  This wasn't us.  We had been completely overwhelmed by the twins.  Worse, we were not being fair to the girls either.  Why were we reacting to their needs instead of anticipating them?  That was the moment that put everything back on track.  I stripped off my puke stained shirt and put on a new fresh white one.  I coiled the Moby Wrap around my body and strapped on a baby.  Then I went to work.  Organized house, organized lives.  We were missing routine.  It wasn't going to be the old routine that we had been so comfortable with as married couple without children, but it would inject order into our lives. 

My wife sorted all the clothing into "now" and "later" piles.  The "now" pile was folded neatly into drawers in the nursery while the "later" disappeared into the basement.  We tiled our basement floor in play mats and arranged the play chairs that the twins were not currently in love with about the room.  We did the same with the main floor living room, tiles, 1 vibrating chair, 1 Baby Einstein Tummy Mat and a Pack-n-Play.  All the toys were sorted, into piles, stuffed animals, rattles and things to suck on and finally, toys that made noise if you so much as looked at them.  I removed all the batteries from the noisy pile and then boxed them up along with the rattles and suckie things...the girls are still a month or so away from using even the simplest of those toys.  The stuffed animals filled a little pink toy box, which was brought into the nursery.  We set up a diaper change station and filled it with the essential for cleaning babies.  Burp clothes and little face towels were organized and placed within easy reach in the compartments of the Pack-n-Play.  Blankets were folded and placed in a stack beside the couch...our physical space was organized!

With that complete we scheduled our time.  We are lucky, we have help, my wife's mother has moved to the city and comes by each day.  My parents live only a few hours away and stay over the weekend every 2 weeks.  Their help is invaluable; they look after us while we look after the kids.  With the idea in mind that we should never have more than 1 adult looking after 1 child, we came up with the following schedule:

Four, three hour feeding blocks during the twelve hour day period:

Block 1 - feed the babies.  Helper arrives.  When helper is ready remaining time before next feed is split between mommy and daddy.  This is our self grooming time.  Clean up and be ready for the day.  I put on a clean shirt that usually makes it about 15 minutes before getting puked, crapped or peed on.

Block 2 - feed the babies.  After feeding the helper takes charge of one child and mommy or daddy get personal time.  1.5 hours of personal time to be used however that person wants.  I personally head to the gym to try and fight the flab that I have packed on over the last several months of eating prepackaged meals and baked goods.

Block 3 - feed the babies.  Personal time for whomever didn't get any in block 2.

Block 4 - feed the babies.  Afterward, it's baby bath and scream time or we head out for a nice walk as a family.  Once which ever activity we have chosen is complete, my wife and I get completely ready for bed. 

The next 12 hours is broken up into 3, 4 night hour blocks:

Block 5 - depending on how badly the day shift slipped, this is either a full feed or simply a top up.  Either way, we feed the babies and then everyone crawls into bed.  This is the longest block of sleep we, my wife and I, will get all night.  Because we were ready for bed at the end of block 4, including breast pumping, we can expect about 3.5 hours of consecutive sleep...AWESEOME!

Block 6 - feed the babies, wash baby butts, wash bottles, breast pump (my wife doesn't breast feed at night).  We are on a sliding sleep scale here; at this time there is 3.5 hours between feeds because that is all that the hungry girls will allow.  By the time we get to bed, we can expect 2 hours of sleep.

Block 7 - feed the babies, wash baby butts, wash bottles, pump breasts.  Now the girls are getting tired of being in bed so we are looking at 2.5 to 3 hours between feeds.  Most nights that means 1 hour sleep for us after all is said and done.  When the girls have sucked their fill it's extended play time until our helper arrives.

It doesn't sound like much, but 6.5 hours sleep is an infinite amount more than we used to get. 

So that's our scheduled lives.  The key to keeping our sanity has been the 1.5 hours of personal time and being absolutely ready to pop into bed after the girls first night feed.

This of course is all going to change by the time the twins are 3 months old.  Experts and anecdotal evidence alike has promised me that by 3 months the girls will be sleeping 12 hours through the night and 3 hours of naps during the day.   There won't be so much of a need for personal time at that point.  We'll be able to take time for ourselves while the girls sleep.  Sleeping through the night will actually allow mommy and daddy, mommy and daddy time. 

I hope this helps anyone reading this blog that is about start a new life with new twins.  Good luck, and stay organized. 

Baby Dreams

I don't actually dream at night, or, more likely, I don't remember them.  Not right now anyway, I think I'm just to tired.  I sleep the sleep of the dead.  I'm dead to the world, with any and all sensory connection disabled.  That is, with the exception of two sounds, my phone alarm that tells me to get up because I have 15 minutes until the girls will eat, and the girls wailing cries that tell me "daddy I should have eaten 15 minutes ago!"  It's a toss up which I will actually hear in any given night feeding block.

Regardless of why I wake the same process occurs in my brain...I immediately give consideration to the baby I am holding.  We don't actually co-sleep with the twins.  We follow Canada's sleep guide and have our girls in a crib, free of toys, blankets, comforters, etc, right next to our bed where they can wake us whenever they'd like.  But still, for some reason I wake up looking for the little girl I was just snuggling.  It takes a few moments for the fog to clear and to come to the realization that both girls are safe in their crib.  Clear headed, I give my wife a little shake and tell her it's time to feed, to which she slurs "I can't get up until you take the baby from me."  We go back and forth for a bit, until I mime taking a baby out of her arms or she fully wakes and realizes that both girls were and are safe in the crib.

Mommy's Dreams

My wife and I are not alone in our newly acquired dream habits.  In fact, a variation of this type of dream is so common that it has been well researched in sleep labs.  A quick internet search comes up with a long list of moms suffering from our same waking dreams...or similar imaginings at least.  The common thought upon waking is not that one is simply holding a baby, which I think occurs because I have been toting around a child, none stop, for the previous forever, but that one's baby is lost somewhere under the covers of the bed and dying slowly of suffocation.

One such study, completed here in Canada, interviewed 275 women and found that between 88% and 91% of women who were either pregnant, or were new moms, had the "baby in bed" dream in which the baby was lost in the bed.  The result of which is a frantic search through the covers for her missing child.

Baby's  Dreams

It has been observed in studies (where is the research money coming from to study baby dreams?) that babies spend 50% of their sleep time in REM sleep (the state associated with dreaming).  That's 100% more time than adults.  Experts suggest that because infants have no language, their dreams consist solely of imagery, and that because infants are without fear, with the exception of a wariness of strangers, they don't actually have nightmares.  100% more dreams and all of them good?  Sounds nice to me.

How one becomes an expert in baby dreams I have no idea.  I asked both my girls separately about their dreams and all each of them said was "WAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".  If, however, the so called experts are correct then the twins are dreaming about the things within their realm of experience...a big breasted woman at their beck and call.

Daddy's Dreams

Daddy's dreams are simple.  We dream of world in which our children are safe and happy.  A life for our babies filled with joy and excitement...also, like our babies, big breasted women at our beck and call.

When you grow up, I hope you have kids just like you...

I'm not going to mention any names in this post, knowing that years from now, while surfing the web archives, my daughters will stumble upon my writings.  One of my little girls got the "bad girl" gene combo.  It's a recessive trait, so will only be expressed if both the father and mother pass it along.  As a good boy, I'm obviously carrying the "bad girl" and "bad boy" gene sequence, neither of which are expressed because both are recessive, resulting in a male with a pleasant attitude.  Based on my wife's demeanour on most mornings of our 20 years together, she is carrying a double dose of "bad girl" gene.  There was a 50% chance we were having a bad girl, and we did.

In their earliest years a double bad girl gene carrier will show a tendency towards grumpiness when hungry or tired (this will continue to be the case throughout life making mornings difficult for any man married to a bad girl).  They will cry whether boob or bottle is at their lips.  She'll cry harder if she is removed to burp.  A bad girl decides at the spur of the moment if putting her down will elicit angry screams or picking her up is far worse.  When hungry, she'll arch her back, head to the sky, eyes squeezed shut and she'll howl with the pitiful cry of the truly starving.  A bad girl waits for you to finish her diaper change before releasing another torrent of urine, not all at once for certain; she makes the decision on just how much to allow to flow to prolong the butt wash game late into the night.  Soothers won't sooth a bad girl, nor will daddy's stories before bed.

The bad girl is known by many different names:  drama queen, attention seeker, squeaky wheel, diva, prima donna or future actress.  The thing is, between little moans and bellowing cries, there are moments of calm filled with big eyes and fluttering lashes.  When fists unclench and legs stop bicycling she'll strike a pose of serenity or wrap her body around yours in an all over hug.   No matter what you call them, or how late they keep you up, you love them so much it hurts.

Please note, that I don't actually believe in a bad girl gene, nor do either of my little girls demand any more attention than I am willing to give.  I am thankful for every moment I have to spend with them, whether those moments are filled screams or laughter.  The truth is, the melodramatic, over the top, attention seeking attitude runs in my family.  I have fallen victim to a much repeated saying around our dinner table "When you grow up, I hope you have kids just like you..."

That said, if there is a bad girl gene, they definitely got it from their mother...

Everything I Wanted, Nothing I Expected

Maybe I was just naive, but I was in no way ready for twins as I thought I was.  Many of my friends have had children and from the outside their lives hadn't seemed to change much.  I still saw them often for a many of our usual activities; just sometimes they had a little person with them.  Back then I had no interest in babies so, maybe I was to self-absorbed to notice their tired eyes and blurred speech.  None of my friends had twins, so that might be the difference in what I saw and what I'm experiencing.  Honestly I don't know.  Whatever it was that blinded me to other's baby woes, it made me think that having a child would require only a slight lifestyle adjustment.

Nothing has been easy about having twins.  We waited a long time before even deciding to have children.  Then it took quite some time to actually conceive.  That was my first wake up call.  Based on every movie I'd ever seen, getting pregnant was going to be easy.  I assumed I was so virile that if I simply walked passed a woman while I was supporting an erection she ran the risk of becoming with child.  I was so worried, in my early teens, that I wouldn't go swimming if there was a female in the water, for fear that by dunking my testicles I could achieve long distance conception (I tested each pool by opening my eyes underwater.  If they burned terribly, then there was sufficient chlorine to sterilize my super potent sperm.)  It was not until after we started trying and we were not immediately successful, that I did some research and found that even at the optimal age, there is only a 25% chance of fertilization and then, only 2 days out of each cycle which conception was even possible (thanks nun taught catholic school sex education classes).  Eventually, though, it all worked out...

Having twins didn't change anything in my mind; my girls would have the perfect playmate to keep them occupied.  My wife and I had many discussions concerning our future...she being the ever planner and worrier began her quest to convince me that our lives were going to be very different.  I being the fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of guy, answered with a "Whatever...it's going to be easy."  In my mind things were going to be easy.  I had these daydreams of my wife and I playing tennis, the girls sitting comfortably in their Baby Bjorn chairs babbling with delight and watching the yellow ball fly back and forth.  This scenario allowed my whole family to exercise, my wife and I physically and the babes strengthening their necks and perfecting their tracking abilities.  After we would all dine by the water on a blanket in the grass (the girls shaking their turkey drumsticks like a rattle before taking a big bite).  Or another, often imagined situation; I, at my computer, working on an indie film or video game while the twins rest comfortably (again self soothing in the Baby Bjorn chairs), amusing each other with "twin speak"...can you believe it?  Only a few months old and they are already communicating with each other.

I'm not disappointed in my reality, the girls are everything I wanted.  Obviously the twins are not yet self sufficient, nor is there opportunity to spend time on independent works of film and games.  There's no time for anything, really, other than care of the girls.  That's something else that was completely unexpected.  In all my classes, readings and conversations with others concerning newborns, sleep deprivation was always mentioned.  I knew I wouldn't have a lot of sleep, so I was prepared for that.  A topic never breached, however, is the tedium of routine that envelopes your life.  Hours and days blur together in a string of feedings and dirty diapers.  The tedious existence is far more taxing for me than missed sleep.

I'm not sure what else I have romanticized in my imaginings.  I'm a dreamer, so probably a great deal will not match reality.  Whatever the future holds, expected or not, I know that I have everything I have ever wanted in these two little girls.