Nature's Way

At this point, I'm surprised each morning when I wake up and there are no children living in my house yet.  My wife is large, large enough that people have an involuntary reaction, eye's widen and mouths drop slightly, when they see her.  Complete strangers ask her when she is due, (I keep telling her to respond with "Due for what?") and little children run to their mothers to ask what the fat lady ate? 

Last week, we had gone to the movies, where, the women collecting the tickets stared after my wife long passed the point that we had waddled by.  Her brows furrowed and she gently chewed her lower lip in worry as my wife went into the theater.  It was the middle of the week, and a mid day show (the benefits of being off work).  The ticket collector was one of the few staff not working behind a refreshment counter, so it would be her responsibility to mop up the floor if my wife's water broke.  A waking nightmare of discarded sugary candies caught in a tidal wave of amniotic fluid, running down the sloping theater floor to engulf other patrons, surely filled her mind.  As we left the theater after the show, the same person thanked us for coming, but I'm pretty sure I heard her mumble "please don't come back" under her breath as well.

Grocery shopping, a task that my wife once again accompanies me on and will continue to do so as long as I insist on bringing home the wrong brand of tuna or vegetables not included on the meticulously created list she provided for me, always provides enjoyment.  During yesterday's outing, an employee operating one of the sample booths, ran most of the way across store to present my wife with one of her wares, a Disney, size 1 diaper.  Now, I know the woman was simply being nice, but the fact that she couldn't wait for us to come to her, exhibited her fear that we would have need of a diaper even before crossing the few aisles to her display.

The act of being pregnant must also be the initiation into a club.  Whenever my wife passes by another member of this organization in public, both women stare at each other knowingly.  I'm pretty sure if they get close enough together they will high five one another or complete some kind of secret handshake.  This camaraderie goes further than just real, physical beings.  My wife sympathizes with TV or movie characters as well.  She'll place herself in the situation of whatever show she is watching, taking on the role of the mother.  Here's a bit of advice for the dads-to-be reading this blog, don't watch nature shows about baby animals and their mothers with your wife...inevitably many of the cute, fuzzy, helpless offspring will be eaten by something hungry and large.  I was happily sitting on the couch, watching Disney's African Cats, the other day, when my wife decided to join me.  The show is about a mommy lion and a mommy cheetah...not about a ravenous lion pack that rule Savannah by killing everything else or even about the fastest, animal, killing machine on earth (which is what I was watching)...no, it's about two mommies and their furry, little babies (which is what my wife was watching).  Spoiler alert...the mommy cheetah loses two of her cubs to hyenas.  The soft, mewing, mourning cries of the mama cheetah were mimicked perfectly by the mom-to-be next to me on the couch.  Dads, if you find yourself in this situation, you should at least pretend to cry, even if all you are able to do is turn your head away and rub at your eyes, do it.  Otherwise, your wife will think you are a cold, heartless, bastard, who can't possibly love her children as much as she does.  And for god sake, don't say something like "it's nature's way" or "the hyenas need to feed their families too".  Trust me, that will not help the situation.  At this stage of the game, pregnant women have a lot going on emotionally, the weeping can turn to rage or maniacal giggling in an instant.  I've learned from other nature programs, mimicry can save your life (I've also seen many shows in which prey creatures find a small hole dug into the earth, not wide enough for the predator to follow...you can try that if the mimicry fails).  Do whatever you need to do to appear sympathetic, to be heart broken by nature's cruelty, and in the eyes of your wife you will still be an adequate mate able to protect her babies...Second spoiler alert...the mommy lion receives a mortal wound while defending her cubs during the invasion of another pride.  The mommy was successful in saving her cubs, and repelling the invaders, but wounded so badly that she was unable to remain with her family.  She made lion arrangements with her sister to watch over her offspring, nuzzled her cubs for the last time then limped slowly away to find a sunny, soft place to die alone.  I have no idea how the show actually ended because the sobbing misery from wife drove me outdoors, where I spent the rest of the afternoon surrounding my house with thorned Savannah bushes sufficient for keeping out an invading lion pride...