What's in a Name?

What's in a name?  That which we call a rose
By any other name would still smell as sweet.

I don't know if that's true.  We assume a lot based on what something is called.  How many of us would like to eat a crapsicle on a warm summer day?  Would we even give it a chance to touch our lips or would we reject it outright without ever having found out that it tastes exactly like chocolate ice cream?  It matters, the name, if we make assumptions about that object, based strictly on what it has been christened.  

The first thing I bought when I found out my wife was pregnant was a baby names book.  Even though this information is more readily available on the internet, there is just something about flipping through and highlighting names in a book that can really drive a couple to argue.  I purchased a book entitled "60,001+ best baby names".  There were others with 100,000 names, but that just seemed a little excessive.  To be honest, out of the 60,001+ names, maybe 500 are actually something most people would consider saddling their babies with, unless they think names like Edamame or Asphalt are acceptable.  To really drive home the point that we, as a society, make assumptions based on names, the first section of this book is simply categories.  Each category is given a title like "Future Landscapers", and then goes on to list names for children that will surely grow up to be exactly that.  You might be thinking, that's ridiculous, but how many Geeves do you know that are not butlers?

My wife and I want names that are easy to pronounce, that are not so popular that four other kids in the class have the same one, but no so unique that the child is mocked, and and the name shouldn't have fifteen different spellings either.  When we thought we were having boys it was difficult, there just seemed to be so many more awesome girl names.  We finally decided on Gavin and William (who's going to mock a little willy?).  Those names went out the door after our anatomy scan came back penis free (we also immediately rejected the feminized versions, Gavina and Willamina).  Back to the easy girl names...I had a list and my wife had a list...none of the names matched.  I was able to nasty rhyme each of the names on my wife's list, and she was able to google image search a "skank" for the names on mine.  In my defense, anything you type into Google will lead to boobs.  Which reminds me, I have to figure out a way to destroy the internet before my babies are old enough to type.

Even after we had come up with a list of potentials, there was still plenty to consider.  There is, of course, meaning behind words, and names are no different.  One of the names on our list originally meant "bitter".  Could I do that to my child?  Would the whole world immediately decide that my daughter was angry, or for that matter, anything but sweet?   Further, we had to consider nicknames, and even how a chosen name sounds in another language.  For example, my name is Brian.  When a francophone says my name it very often sounds like "brillant" (in English that means brilliant).  My wife's francophone name pronunciation, though hilarious, just infuriates her...so I can't tell you. 

After much debate we came up with names, that is, until last night when my wife told me she no longer liked one of them.  We hadn't told anyone the names we had decided on, but I'm going to do so now.  They were (and maybe still are, but after yesterday's late night discussion I have no idea):

Fiona Alexandra
Leila Simone (I preferred Layla)

There are of course issues with these names as well.  If you do a Google image search of Fiona you'll mostly get Shrek's wife (although in most of those images she is wearing clothes, so bonus).  Of course with Leila/Layla there's the whole "Lay" thing.  "Layla's getting laid tonight".

By putting in print the above names, I'm not asking for opinions, or alternatives.  I can pretty much assure you that for whichever alternative you give, I will be able to come up with an insulting rhyme, and my wife will be able to direct you to skank images on the internet. 

In their early years children will have to endure mockery, whether it be their names, their manner of dress, their accent, whatever.  Many will curse their parents for the names they were given, for a wide variety of reasons...I'm the only one in my class with that name...or...my name rhymes with "poo" (yes, we considered naming one of the girls Shabadoo for a brief period).  As the years pass everyone becomes comfortable with their moniker, and if not, at least by that time they will be old enough to legally change it.