We faced a "scare" here in Toronto recently. The same problem that the entire East coast of North America faced...hurricane Sandy. The chances of the storm reaching this far inland with any strength, in my opinion, were pretty remote. Yes, there were some power outages, but it was not worth all the panic spread by the local news stations. There was a run on bottled water and other basic supplies at the stores. Basic supplies being things like beans and canned pig product. People were afraid that their power would go out and all the food in their fridge would spoil...it's 0 degrees outside...put your perishables outdoors for the few hours you don't have lights. While many others were standing in line at the grocers, I was filling various containers with fresh tap water, boiling the eggs we had in the house (yes, I guess I could have eaten them raw) and cooking up a big batch of rice. That simple prep would have taken my family through several days without electricity or at least long enough for us to drive far enough west to find a hotel with hot and cold running water. In fact, I took that opportunity to look through the cupboards of my kitchen to see exactly what I had available should the lights go out forever. There was easily enough food to last a couple of weeks, if one was willing to eat stale ice cream cones (without the ice cream). The whole Sandy hurricane scare got me thinking though, now that I have children, what will I do when a real threat looms, like a zombie apocalypse?
There are several stages to a man's life, and really, only the first is ideal when that meteor carrying zombie infection hits the earth. As a young man, single and childless, you are in good shape physically for survival. Maybe a little brazen, with extra machismo thrown in. Sure, that could be dangerous when fighting zombies. The smart guy will survive and prosper though. All a young man needs do is look out for himself...unless of course he meets that special lady, a sexy survivor perhaps? That throws him into the second stage of manhood. Now sure, he's got a reason to live, a beautiful woman, but still, if it comes down to it, the dude is going to sacrifice himself to make sure his lady friend can make it out alive. If, however, the couple live through at least one night (and then 9 months on the run) they are probably going to have sex in the safe room of an abandoned millionaire's mansion or a fortified church. The offspring, if not zombified in utero or immediately after birth, will bring on the third and final stage of manhood...that of being a father. As a father you are most certainly dead. If you've made it this far though, you can count on a few more good years. You'll need to train your offspring to forage for food and weapons as well as teach them to kill zombies. If you are lucky, then you still have your wife by your side to help with the training...but the chances are at least 50/50 that you had to kill her when she died in childbirth and came back as the living dead, so you might very well be doing all the schooling on your own. Not long after your children become teenagers, you'll be killed unexpectedly by a zombie, after an argument with your daughter ("you are not leaving this house with your pistol tucked in your thigh-highs like that missy!"), causes her to storm out of the stronghold, carelessly leaving the backdoor unbarred.
Unfortunately for me, I missed all the easy survival years and am now firmly set in stage 3. (Looks like learning to perform a c-section through that internet course was pointless) Twin girls will probably train faster too, competing against and learning from one another, so my time is pretty limited. I, like all of you, am expecting zombie destruction in December, 2012 as predicted by the Mayan calendar. That gives me a little bit of time to put together a good survival kit and breakout bag. The chances of my wife allowing me to construct or purchase a survival shotgun are slim...so I'll have to come up with something equally cool...I may take up archery...she probably won't complain about that. The age of the children in your party is something equally important to consider when putting together your survival gear. In a few months mine will still be helpless babies and completely useless in helping survive the walking dead. Besides additional food (breast milk supplies maybe low if my wife is on the run and suffering from a lower calorie diet), I have to try and find some type of soother or muffler that can convert my babies cries to nature based sounds, like running water or something...or possibly something that can convert baby screams into zombie moans...zombies are attracted to the sounds of a baby crying, to them it's an easy to grab snack, so some type of baby muffler is key to survival. Thanks to the still functioning internet and my forethought in looking into this before the zombies do start to crawl out of the earth, I was able to find this fully functional baby muffler as well as this patented crying baby muffler. Go eat some other baby's brains zombie!
So it looks like this stay-at-home dad is in pretty good shape to survive the upcoming apocalypse. Our girls are old enough now that my wife and I can get back to the gym once again. We'll be in good fighting and running shape in no time...so bring it on December, 2012!
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