It's Mostly Hushed Up

As I've said before, I want my writings to benefit those that maybe following along in my footsteps.  This is going to be another one of those entries that is aimed at dads-to-be (and the moms too).

Taking care of twins is hard.  Mine are about 2.5 weeks old now and since they arrived, I've been living in just two rooms of my house.  We walk from the bedroom, where we have had, if we are lucky, two hours sleep, to the nursery where we are trying to interpret baby screams into some useful course of action.  There are brief, foggy intervals in which I roam to other locations in my house, usually to nap on the couch, or for sustenance that will hopefully keep me running through the next baby crisis, or maybe even to do a little etc...I've written etc because my wife thinks it's more appropriate than saying personal hygiene or take a crap...but you all know what I mean (based on the statistics of my readership provided by blogger, chances are some of you are reading this on your iPhone while performing just such an act).

Anyway, as I was saying, taking care of twins is hard.  I'm sure taking care of one at a time is difficult too, though I don't see how, really.  If I only had one it would be so much easier...and there you have it.  If I only had one.  You start to say things like that to yourself and it makes you feel awful.  It makes you question your ability to cope with what is to come.  You consider life with only one child, when the two you actually have, are both screaming.  When you haven't had enough sleep or enough to eat, and you have no idea what else to do to calm your twins.  I haven't gone as far as to pick the one I'd keep.  In fact it's not even like that, it's not a this one or that one way of thinking.  It's just a daydream about the freedom of having only one child to worry about.

Worse of course is when everything is quiet.  The few moments in your house when everything is at peace and it's almost like it was "before".  You might even get a few minutes to watch TV or if you are like me (and I'm assuming you are because you are reading a blog) surf the social pages to see what your friends are up to.  That's when the question really hits you..."What have I done?"  I see all the fun my friends are having.  Doing all the things we used to do.  My wife and I had an awesome life before we had children.  That's why we waited so long to actually expand our family.  We travelled when we wanted to, sometimes just packing a bag and flying off to Europe last minute.  Honestly, we were living hedonistic lives, do anything you want any time you want kind of lives.  But something was missing.  We actively decided to have children.  It wasn't something we stumbled in to.  It was something we planned.  It was something we looked forward to it.  We were desperately disappointed each month when it hadn't happened yet.

The "What have I done?" question is not something that stays at the forefront of my mind; nor is the "What if we only had one?" question.  But the fact that those thoughts ever surface make me feel terrible.  Make me question my ability to be a good dad.  I kept it hushed up, hidden from everyone else.  I was embarrassed to mention it to anyone.  Whomever I told, would call child services and have my babies taken from me.  I eventually confided in another recently made father of twins, and he in turn confided in me.  Surely it wasn't just the two of us holding this terrible secret.  I asked a few more people.  Everyone (even the parents of singletons, with there easier, almost laxidasical lives...what if I did only have one?) admitted to having the same thoughts.  The last person I spoke with was my wife.  I asked here while we were feeding the girls.  The whole house was quiet.  I asked "Do you ever think...what the hell have we done?".  I saw the relief in her face and she answered with "or what if we only had one?"

So to the new parents reading this blog, or for those soon to be new parents, don't be ashamed of those doubts that creep in.  Everyone has them, just no one is talking about it.